When Wisdom Fails: The Story of a Tooth

Angry Tooth

The bristles pass me by again.

The Incisors get all the action. The property values in the extreme back of the mouth have really diminished of late; it’s like there just isn’t enough room for all of us in here. While the front choppers with their beach front property are doused in minty flouride, I’m back here in the ghetto marinating in Java Monster and Coke Zero, the remnants of the Knight’s pathetic attempts to balance poor nutrition and a sedentary lifestyle with his dream of looking like his fictionalized version of himself.

I lack advancement.

I should have been evicted years ago, the Molars tell me. But they’re no better than me. They shirk their duties, letting food particles pass over them and sticking me with all the real work. It’s worse. Those bastards can chew while I can only gnaw–they always leave me encrusted and unfulfilled.

Does no one appreciate my wisdom?

After a few years of this, anyone would crack, right? I thought that maybe if I cut like the Incisors, those bristles might come my way and clean up the neighborhood. I mean sure, there’s the occasional dousing of Listerine, but it’s like sweeping the streets with acid rain. So when I finally broke, I made myself hard, sharp. Steak knives have nothing on me. And now that the Knight has actually cut some weight, my jagged edge is right up against the inside of his cheek.

Swallow. Do you feel me now? Bite down. Do you taste blood? Try giving that lecture over Hamlet with that iron taste in your throat. You deserve this. You didn’t even notice when I splintered off, when my crown burst! How could you be so cruel? I mean, I am a part of you, after all.

I am part of you whether you want me or not.

Wait! What’s that mirror doing back here? You… You didn’t! A dentist? You vile betrayer! Molars, are you really going to let those needles get past you? Damn you! Don’t you dare numb that cheek! No, wait! I’ve changed my mind! I can deal with the ghetto! So what if I can’t keep up with the Incisors? Please let me stay! I can change! I’ll get some counseling, file myself down, live as half a tooth! Please, please don’t make me go!

“Come on,” mutters the Dentist. “You don’t really want to stay in there, do you?”

But the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will! And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of–

“Got it!”

And the Knight somehow manages though the Novocain, the last thing I shall ever hear:

“Goodnight, Sweet Prince.”


Filed under Rants, Reading, Writing

10 responses to “When Wisdom Fails: The Story of a Tooth

  1. TAE

    You had me laugh out loud at “Do you feel me now?”


  2. holdontoyourpants

    OK, I clearly have not read your blog in far far too long because I forgot just how much it always amuses me. This is fantastic.. and sounds inexplicably better than the time that my wisdom teeth came out. Great personification, thanks for another good read Mr. Pikeknight!


  3. petit4chocolatier

    This was great! I was laughing so hard. I would have loved reading this before I had my wisdom teeth pulled a few years ago!! Thinking about what my wisdom teeth were thinking inside my mouth would have made the fear so much better!!


  4. Ahaha. At least you managed to get rid of it! I’m stuck with my wisdom teeth for life, and every once in a while they start poking at me to remind me that they’re still there.


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