Upon noticing that my blog had been Freshly Pressed, the following conversation ensued regarding my “simplistic” layout:
Me: Wow, everybody else has slick images, cool emoticons, the works… pikeknight would have stood out more if we staged some kind of picture.
Em: We still can. You’re only ten positions down from the top… make that 11!
Me: Then forsooth we must make haste! What if we had an image of the knight forcing the agent to read his story?
Em: Like a reading at sword point? I could be the agent. I look professional in my glasses.
Me: (nodding) Yes, yes. I could use you in several images. You could be like a model for the blog.
Em: (does a double take) Are you serious?
Me: (shrugs) Hey, I’m over the fact that you’re hot and guys are going to look at you…
Em: (laughing) So it’s okay if I model if it benefits you?
Me: Hey, nothing wrong with showing you off a bit…right? Em? Em!
(By this point Em is already half dressed in her would-be literary agent getup and putting on lipstick that was a favor from a bachelorette party six years ago and is contained in a rather circumspectly shaped case…)
Em: (puckers her lips, then looks up) What?
Me: Yeah, you’re real offended!
Em: Are you going to get your armor on?
Me: If I wear the armor and hold you up with a broadsword, who’s going to take the picture?
Em: Good point. Maybe it should just be the broadsword, and me holding up a white flag. Wait, isn’t that a crumpled up copy of Manifesto laying on the closet floor?
Me: Indubitably. The house is a disaster. Where are we going to stage this?
(Cue 30 minutes of vacuuming, rearranging furniture, unplugging computers that are essentially paperweights, and rummaging through books.)
Me: First time we’ve done this in awhile!
Em: Do you still have Lori Perkins’ agent guide? You know, the one you had to special order because it’s basically out of print?
Me: Yeah, and No Plot! No Problem! probably belongs on an agent’s desk as well!
(More staging ensues…)
Em: It’s too dark in here! You’ll have to open the blinds!
Me: (opens the blinds to find the yard in ruins and Hime the Chow-Chow smiling mockingly through the glass) Holy dogs–t! Have you seen our yard lately?
Em: It’s cool. I’ll just superimpose a New York skyline in the background when we’re done. Sans the flood damage, of course.
Me: Too soon, Em!
(We complete the staging, but a new problem arises…)
Me: Hey, babe… I can’t snap this photo on my iPhone and hold the sword at the same time… (tries bracing it on the footboard and nearly takes off Em’s favorite nose) Hmm…
Em: Seems like we need another person after all.
Me: Hold on. (calling across the house) Aurie! Aurie, come here! Mommy and Daddy need your help with something!
Aurie: (skips in, stops, and looks at us like we’re insane) Hey, I’m just eight. Am I supposed to understand what’s going on here?
Me: (handing Aurie the broadsword like a true candidate for father of the year) Here, honey. Point this at your mother’s chest…
Aurie: (seizes the blade a bit too enthusiastically) Okay!
Me: But be careful honey… (angling the point higher) Here, more like this…
Em: (gulps) Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have scolded her this morning…
Me: Everybody say cheese! S—t, Mr. Gram’s in the picture! Do it again!
20 excruciating minutes later…
Em: (edits the WordPress feed to include the image) There you go, babe.
Me: How did you do that?
Em: I’m magic…
And I agree. Any woman who’ll risk being stabbed by a medieval weapon (look how frickin’ close that was!) to help promote her man is more than magic. Thanks to Em, my girls, and everyone who’s stopped by, pikeknight is about to hit 1,000 views in its first week.
So if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll stick around and besiege the blogging community for awhile.